Remembering and Feeling Sad...

....about things I can NOT control.

Last night we spent the evening with friends (Brenda and Dave's family) and there were 2 pregnant women there. I went prepared... or so I thought. I pretty much just played with the kids and talked to Dave and Jon most of the evening, staying away from any potential prenancy stories. Then towards the end one of the girls came into the living room and told the story of finding out she was pregnant...it went something like this..

A = When I went to the Dr they wanted to do a pregnancy test and I knew I wasnt pregnant. (How many times did I test HOPING??)
Nurse = we are training someone, let us test it
A = ok. and it was positive and I was pregnant. I was excited and couldnt wait to share the news. (I would have been SCREAMING and my Dr would have understood!) Husband was in class... cant call him. So i called my mom. Made her swear to keep the secret until I could tell H. She wanted to just call M, her best friend. I said ok....

and that is the gyst of it.... so WHY in the HELL would that hurt.???? Well here is MY story.

Me to mom - when(there was NEVER a question of IF, only WHEN) I find out I am pregnant I am going to call you first you know?
Mom - NO, you need to tell Jon before you tell me. He is your husband.
Me - Dumb look on my face... I guess so... really mom you are who I would want to share it with....

well that is enough to know why just hearing about A getting to call her mom... well DAMMIT I am so tired of having lifetime hurts that I cant do a damn thing about. I still want to know WHY if I cant have a baby,...why I still care about it or want one. If God knew I would not be a mom why did He create me to want to be one so bad....???? I am around pregnant people ALL the time and I HAVE to function yet sometimes it incapacitates me and I just hurt. So I sit here with tears running down my face and I want to ask WHY??? The problem is.... NO ONE ON THIS EARTH CAN GIVE ME AN ANSWER..... and that really pisses me off!